Let’s get social with a warm-up question:
How often does “impostor syndrome” come up for you, on a scale of 1-10?
INTRODUCTION
It probably seems like I am brave and chill… but today I need to risk damaging that perception.
A couple years ago I was in the top 5 downloads for The Copywriter Club podcast for the YEAR. A proud day. But what if I told you I almost quit everything I was doing and shut it all down after that podcast because I felt so terrible about how I did? What if I told you I sobbed for days after it… it would pop into my head at the weirdest moments and I would start crying. This happened for months.
Why? Because I didn’t feel like I was “perfect.” I was terribly nervous pitching them, then being on it, then trying to remember all my stories with the mic in front of me. There was so much I wanted to say, and I felt so much pressure to get it all out in the perfect way. And then my computer died 75% of the way through the interview and I was cut off. Literally, shut down, and we had to finish it * not knowing * if we had lost the whole first part.
I felt like I made a terrible impression, that I was an idiot to think I could hold my own in a conversation with them. It feels silly now… but it was very painful at the time. I cried to my coaches (Linda and Ed), I had to face my inner perfectionism and have a couple revelations about my need to control interactions with other people.
This is what our brains can do to us when we continue to operate with “old scaffolding” — lessons and ways of being we learned our whole life up until this moment.
At every moment of my journey to get us here… I had to break something and stretch something in my brain. I had to uncover, or make the invisible visible, of the rules I’d been playing by, the assumptions I’d made, the things I was trying to make happen (without even realizing it).
(Don’t worry… Sometimes it was easier… it wasn’t all bad/all crying! ;-))
This is why I’m so gung-ho about working with mentors and coaches and learning about this kind of stuff. It’s not impossible to do this without mindset work, but I am completely confused how someone would progress without it – that’s how central it’s been to me. Questioning your assumptions about the most basic, invisible things… and that being the path you have to walk to charge more, do better work, get better clients, all of it.
There’s some controversy around impostor syndrome… impostor phenomenon… reframing systemic inequality as an individual pathology… we won’t get into that today. There’s back and forth about whether this exists, whether it’s worth talking about, that it’s a mislabeled thing, etc. What I want to talk about today is that sense that “what you want can’t happen, you can’t be worthy of it, there must be some mistake or someone else more worthy, or some reason you’re fundamentally unable to properly execute the task in front of you” and the task is central to your growth as a business professional and soloist (“the next step”). Next step paralysis. Whatever we want to call it, that’s the topic today.
The benefits you can look for from this kind of work is both personal and business (though I can’t guarantee any of this for you)
- Personal
- More open to connection
- Easier to talk about my problems/resolve them
- More intentional about my time
- More “willpower” or ability to make values choices
- More ability to enjoy success or be satisfied with what I’ve done in a day/my work
- Business
- Charging more so I can earn more or work less
- Feeling less angst when I pitch someone or something or have a meeting with a new person
- Being more intentional about who I work with/faster to say No to things
- More at peace with who I am and what I’ve done
- More ability to enjoy success or be satisfied with what I’ve done in a day/my work
Today we’re going to talk about two things, then journal about them:
- How can I tell when it’s impostor syndrome?
- How do I “fix it”?
HOW DO I KNOW THIS IS IMPOSTOR SYNDROME?
There are a few signs I’ve come to identify in myself and in the people I coach for when impostor syndrome could be at the root of things. Because there are different kinds of fear and different kinds of limits inside you – some of them are boundaries you want to respect, and some of them are impostor syndrome limits you want to push (if you’re comfortable).
#1: Shutting down the new idea/avoidance
When you sense what you need to or want to do, but you dismiss the idea of doing it. You talk yourself out of doing it in the first place or going out for the big goal, as a way to avoid having to put in the time or effort for potential failure. There’s a fine line between laziness or disinterest and this one, so you want to look for a pulse of inadequacy for the task, not just pure avoidance. Asking “why” and “what proof do you have?” questions can help you figure out if it’s impostor syndrome.
Examples:
- I want to work for myself… but I talk myself out of starting a freelance writing business or reaching out to clients because it’s not likely something that would work for me, or it looks too hard, or it’s not a good time in the economy, etc.
- I want to be good at guitar… but I always tell myself it’s better to rest or watch TV than put a measly hour into practicing. I won’t make all that much headway anyway
- Or:
- No, I’m not someone who can be a “thought leader”
- People like me don’t X.
- People don’t want to hear from people like me about X.
#2: Freeze before action
When you know what you need to or want to do, and you are willing to do it, but you just… don’t. You distract, procrastinate, pull back, get cold feet, or even sabotage yourself so you can’t do it.
Again, there’s a fine line between laziness or disinterest and this one, so you want to look for a pulse of terror about taking that step not just pure avoidance, something in you recoiling from it.
Asking “what if” and “what could happen?” questions can help you figure out if it’s impostor syndrome.
Examples:
- I want to work on my podcast… but instead I procrastinate on all things, so that I have to do client work and cannot make time for my podcast.
- I want to grow my business, so I will market myself…. But instead I procrastinate by building a list of leads, reading linkedin posts, buying a new course or reading a new blog instead of reaching out to anyone.
- Or:
- It doesn’t feel like the right time to do that thing.
- I’ll do it next week when X or X happens (X is something that might make you more “in the mood” to do the thing, or easier to do the thing)
#3: Fear of others and intense insecurity
When you start distrusting other people’s intentions or ability to help or hire you.
(This is a generalization — always trust your gut about a particular person or situation that makes you uncomfortable).
When you start to assume what people think about you or what they want from you, and cut off possibility before you make contact.
(Again, trust your gut about specific people, but look out for the general resistance to taking a small step forward that opens your network).
Examples
- I want to grow my network… but people won’t connect with me without relevant experience, so I won’t ask or send connection requests.
- I want to make friends with a particular person… but they seem to be friends with someone more popular than me, so they probably won’t write to me back, and they probably don’t want to be bothered by someone like me.
#4: Assume you can’t do it/get it
When you are so on alert for threats that you look 25 exchanges into the future and pre-eliminate opportunities. Like you plan it out so far in advance you decline the invite for someone to the party… before you’ve even set the date and invited them. This is also known as bringing too much reality to the brainstorming session — there are periods of time where you need to remove all the logical parts of the equation and just brainstorm freely, as if there are no limits.
ExampIe:
- This person would make an amazing guest on my brand new podcast. But they aren’t going to accept my invite, so why even send it?
- This niche is fascinating, but it’s just too technical and I would have to have a X degree for someone to hire me to write about it.
#5: Blank of mind/memory
When, in a flit of fear or surge of adrenaline, everything you’ve ever thought or known completely departs from your head, and you have no memory of your abilities or knowledge.
(This happened to me for years after teaching in the classroom, I think it was a trauma response)
When your head empties and you feel like there’s no direction or leadership in your mind for what to say or do next. “Deer in headlights”
Examples:
- In a client call, you blank out and literally stop talking.
- In a job interview or a podcast interview, you forget the word for what you want to say or forget all your anecdotes that go with a certain line of thought.
HOW DO I FIX THIS?
#1: Reflection practice of some kind
It doesn’t have to look like my planner, but every person performing at high levels has some kind of reflection practice, whether it’s writing, talking to yourself, therapy, or meditation. The goal is to have more practice sitting in the present and being yourself and with your thoughts.
It reinforces your brain and creates more space to have thoughts, opinions, inner knowledge… everything wonderful about who you are gets a chance to come out (or you can see the barriers you’ve put in place and start to chip away at them).
#2: Network of support
Having other people see your invisible limits is powerful and helpful — like they can see the map of our invisible shock fence. (This is why we can’t go it alone)
I am constantly voxering with trusted people I met in paid courses and programs. Belinda Weaver is a friend because we were in Linda Perry’s program together, Lee Price and Alexis Grant are friends because we were in Sarah K Peck’s program together. YOU can find friends now in the programs you’re in!
#3: Trust your planning mind, not your lizard brain.
Dream with your planning mind, the one that understands the goals you have and the sacrifices/growing pains you’re willing to go through. (This way it’s always consensual and not as potentially threatening as a true therapy situation)
Then complete the activity, even if the lizard brain pops up and makes you feel an adrenaline rush and like you’re going to be sick. I start all my live sessions with an adrenaline rush 15 minutes before, a blank mind, fear, etc… and then I dive in and warm up and just do the thing. I’m very glad I do!
#4: Search for your scaffolds
Understand/accept that how your brain works is part personality and part scaffold from how you were raised (for better and for worse). You need to break some parts of the structure to operate, perform, exist at a higher level. This is true for the growing portion, where you’re learning what higher rates means to you and negotiating that face-to-face with clients… but also when that bigger paycheck comes in: can you sit with having what you wanted? Or does a frenzy of anxiety and other problems seem to surge up to meet you just when you should be celebrating? That’s a new part I’m exploring now, because I have a lot of self-sabotage about levels of success or free time. It’s eye-opening.
#5: It takes time to tango
Don’t bully yourself into mindset work. It’s OK to let it sink in slowly and try a little at a time. Surges or heavy periods of “brain lifting” will find you — lean into it when you can. But otherwise, it’s OK to dance on the edges and just kind of check this stuff out from time to time and see if you’re ready for the growth. I’ve dug into this stuff because I have a constant inner drive to break my limits and see what I can do… not everyone has that, and it’s not always a great thing! For me, the words I need to lean into are “pause” and “surrender”… you need to find the words YOU need to lean into.
CONCLUSION AND Q&A
I wanted to save this part for the ending, so if you think it’s dumb and want to punch me, at least it’s towards the end and not the beginning… but I have reason to believe self-love is at the heart of all of these mindset and impostor challenges. I’m not sure anyone really loves themselves… or if they do, I haven’t met many of them. It’s more likely we’ve achieved neutrality or satisfaction with ourselves (“I’m not perfect, but I guess I did a couple things right” etc). But real love for ourselves… rooting for ourselves, being delighted in what we think and do and how we try… the way we might for a child who was trying their very, very best… I don’t think I see that a lot. I want to invite you to strive for that for yourself.
The person who coined the term impostor phenomenon says that “impostor feelings come from a conviction that “I have to mask who I am.” If we can get into the nitty gritty and really see ourselves, and love ourselves, and find a way to mask less, and then not at all… I think that’s how we see “the end” of impostor syndrome.
RESOURCES
- Playing Big by Tara Mohr
- The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks
- The Dubious Rise of Impostor Syndrome by Leslie Jamison, NYT